CCPPNS - California Council of Parent Participation Nursery Schools
 

Notes For Parents

Notes For Parents is written by James L. Hymes, Jr., Ed.D. Dr. Hymes is Past President of the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC). and the author of Behavior and Misbehavior, The Child Under Six, Understanding Your Child, Teaching the Child Under Six, and other publications for parents and teachers.

But Why a Co-op?

That's a good question. A cooperative nursery school will demand a great deal more time from you. It will demand more effort and more commitment than would a school to which you simply pay tuition. So the question is worth asking: Why go to all the extra trouble?

The answer, I think, does not lie primarily in what a cooperative nursery experience will do for your child. A good co-op and a good plain-nursery-school will have very similar goals. They will both work toward rounded social and emotional and physical and intellectual development. And they will have very similar programs: the same art, music, science, and math experiences, good literature, language, social studies, physical activities, play...

I believe that co-op children do get some special breaks - we'll talk about them later. But I am sure that in a co-op you - the adults, parents, mothers and fathers - gain the most. A cooperative nursery school has to be an excellent school for young children but a co-op offers a bonus. It offers some very significant advantages to the grownups.

A co-op is your school as much as it is your child's school. You work in it. You give your energy and your ideas. You put yourself into the school. You help to shape it and to make it whatever it becomes. Today, in so many parts of our lives, something vague and faraway seems always to run the show: "the establishment," the bosses, City Hall ... Many of us don't feel we have much of a role to play. Not so in a co-op. The very opposite, in fact. A co-op is parents PLUS the well-trained teacher. There is no "George." No one else to do the work, no one else to blame. Parents who choose co-ops find this full involvement welcome.

Co-op mothers and fathers take their school responsibilities seriously. They read books and articles and pamphlets about early childhood development and education. They meet often for parent discussions. It has been said - but the people weren't complaining, just describing: "Co-ops are the meetingest places!" Mothers and fathers confer frequently with the teacher. Most important of all, parents work directly in the classroom with the children, as aides or teacher-assistants or parent-helpers - whatever word you want to use. On a regular basis, co-op parents see their child's behavior in the group, they see other children's behavior, they see a school program at work.

Co-op parents do fuss a little at times because of the extra demands and the study and the meetings. But despite any gripes they are sure this all pays off. They end up knowing a great deal about education, arid this matters to them. Co-op parents tend to be hipped on good education. They don't want the ordinary, they want the very best for their children. They also end up knowing a great deal about child development and about their own child in particular. To co-op parents, helping a child grow well is a matter of first-rate importance. Their own adult lives take on more significance because they are "in" on such a vital process.

The cooperative nursery school offers the adults still other benefits. One frequent outcome is that parents find new friends for themselves at school. Sharing the joys as well as the headaches and backaches of making a co-op a good school brings adults very close together. In today's impersonal, everyone-for-himself world, such close human associations are rare. Co-op parents relish them.

Co-op parents don't object to the financial benefits either. Who doesn't want to save money today? A cooperative nursery school always costs less than a comparably good private school. The reason for this is simple. Co-op parents pour their time, energy, sweat and skills into their school. They do menial work, they do dirty work, they do professional work, they do no end of school jobs "for free" that parents in other schools pay money to have someone else do. Co-op parents, of course, pay tuition but in straight cash-out-of-the-pocket - because of all the work-out-of-the-hide - a co-op is a bargain.

You have to be clear on that "for free" part, however. Co-op parents pay less cash but they obligate themselves to some very definite responsibilities.

Co-op parents must do their school jobs, for one thing. This work cannot be "just fitted in" if a parent happens to feel like it or if the time happens to be convenient. The parents' contribution is essential. Co-op parents must be self-disciplined so the work gets done. Co-op parents also obligate themselves to work on getting along with the other parents. Having close associations with co-workers is not always a picnic. Disagreements - on management, on child-rearing, on education - do arise. Co-op parents must be willing and able to talk openly. They must be able to thrash out differences and to settle them with good feelings so school-life can go forward.

Co-op parents also obligate themselves to a special relationship with the trained nursery school teacher, the professional director. This is a delicate and unusual relationship. In a co-op, parents play a key part but no school can be great without strong, trained leadership. In a co-op, professional leadership is essential but no co-op can be great without the full utilization of the talents and insights of parents. Co-ops call for a rare mixture of mutual trust and respect among adults of differing backgrounds.

Now a word about the special gains co-op children make. There are at least two I'm very aware of. Number one: Co-ops usually have more adults present than do standard nursery schools, with the trained teacher on hand plus several parent-assistants. The extra hands and minds can mean greater richness and variety in the co-op program; they can mean the chance for more attention and more help for individual children. These are real virtues, not to be sneezed at.

You have to recognize, however, that there may be some trade-offs where co-op children sometimes lose a little because of all the adults around. Especially at the beginning, parent-assistants may not be as skilled as regular nursery schools' paid aides. And at the beginning, but usually only for a short time, some children may act up in different ways when their parents are in the group.

Gain number two: in a co-op, "school" doesn't end at twelve o'clock, nor does it end on Friday. A co-op child is apt to be surrounded by a common point of view twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. The child is apt to get more consistency in guidance and more richness in stimulation, home and school and school and home.

But despite all the pluses for children and all the pluses for parents, I know that co-ops are not for everyone. Some adults do not want to take on added obligations. Some do not have the time in their lives for a co-op's demands. Those mothers and fathers who choose co-ops and who stay with them are the ones who, better than I, can answer the question: "Why a co-op?" I think they would say that a cooperative nursery school is one way of getting a good nursery school education for your child and an amazing way getting some very pleasing experiences for yourself! Having been a part of a co-op, I would go along with them. But you have to decide if a co-op fits your life. If it does, you are lucky, and I think you will be very pleased.

Discipline

Mothers and fathers of young children - in fact, parents of children of all ages - wonder and puzzle a great deal about discipline these days. I have one observation about discipline which you may find helpful: Many parents, I think, lean too much in one direction or the other. They seem to me to lose their balance and to go overboard, so to speak.

I see some parents who are much too easy on their children, I think. Their youngsters almost get away with murder. The children do about anything they want to. These parents hardly ever say "No" and hardly ever make their "No" stick.

Sometimes these too-easy-going parents act this way because they love their child and don't want to make their youngster unhappy.

Other such parents, I think, may be a little lazy. They don't want to work at discipline, and they don't follow through. They say "No" - or even yell and threaten - but if their youngster goes right on, these parents give up. They shrug - "What can you do?" and just let the behavior continue.

I have noticed that sometimes one particular child in a family has a blank check, with no limits. The only child, or an only girl or an only boy, or the baby in the family, or a youngster who has been sick a lot - anyone of these can be the one who is never reined in.

And, of course, a lot of very give-in-y parents are over-reacting to their own childhoods. They are not really thinking about their youngster right now, today's child in this very year. These mothers and fathers remember how - maybe twenty years ago - their own parents landed on them and fenced them in. They vow they will not do that to their child. The result is that now they value freedom and leeway more than is good for their boy or girl.

Some parents go overboard by being softies and easy-marks. I have seen as many parents who are too tough and who, I think, expect too much. I am sure their children feel as if their mothers and fathers are angry with them most of the time. Their children must feet that they never do anything right, that they are always a disappointment.

Usually these over-demanding parents forget: Their child is only a child. Their rules are made for a fifteen-year-old (or a fifty-year old!).

Or maybe they forget: Their child is only human. We all make a lot of mistakes and we all need a lot of good humor and forgiveness - young children do and so do all the rest of us.

It is hard to strike a balance. Yet the path to good discipline lies in finding the right mixture.

I am convinced that young children need to feel that good strong adults are in charge. Children need to feel that you will help them live an orderly and sensible life. That you will help them meet higher and higher standards as they grow.

To a youngster wise rules and regulations actually mean love. They mean: Someone is watching out for me, someone cares for me.

Wise rules and regulations mean safety. The youngster knows deep down: I'm not old enough yet to run the ship. It is very frightening to a child to feel that parents have given up and that the child is in charge.

I don't know your home, or how you live, or who is in the house, or how many children there are or anything of that kind so I can't say to you: "This is what you should expect from your youngster."

I do want to urge you, however: Have some standards and expectations. Have some rules that you think are right for you, and for your family, and for your child.

Don't be afraid that your youngster will think you are a little strict. That is a compliment.

Have standards, be firm, but: Don't hesitate to make an exception now and again, if an exception seems wise and called for. And don't hesitate to change any rule that simply leads you into one hassle after another, and makes life very uncomfortable for everyone. You can be firm and strict and still use your heart and use your head.

And you can be firm and strict without using a heavy hand and a harsh tongue. Being firm doesn't mean to hurt. Being firm means that you have a solid confidence that certain things are right, and confidence that you can help your child understand why they are right. You teach your child, and you keep at it until your youngster lives up to the most that a healthy, happy child can do.

Now I have to say something quite different. If you want good discipline and I know you do: Have a lot of very enjoyable times with your child.

Talk - about life, about anything - with your youngster. Listen to your youngster. At the end of a week if someone should ask you: "What did you and your child do this week?" I hope you will be able easily to name a number of times when you laughed together, when you were happy together, when you simply had a very good time. Because this good living together builds discipline, too.

Discipline develops through the standards we have, through our expectations, through the reasoning and explaining that we do with children to help them see why the laws are important. I call this the "noisy discipline" because it is all out in the open. The sound is turned on. Anyone can tell: "Ah, yes. They are helping that child learn how to behave. That is good."

But there is "quiet discipline," too. The more your child feels close to you, the more you and your child do pleasing things together, the more your child will take on your values. Without your saying a word, your standards, your ways, what you think is right sink in to your youngster. Your closeness does the trick.

This is a well-known psychological process. Feeling so close to someone - to parents, to a teacher - makes a child want deep inside to be just like them.

Some of the most important lessons in good discipline occur, not in the "noisy" way but in those happier moments when we don't think we are disciplining, yet a youngster is learning to act as we adults act.

Parents who nag too much, who punish too much, who are on their children's backs all the time, don't get the good behavior they want because they don't have enough "quiet discipline" working for them.

Some parents need to relax a bit. To take life a little easier. To give the child more elbowroom. They need to concentrate more on enjoying their child and not fussing too much.

Just as other parents need to buck up and to tighten up. To realize that it takes a long time for a child to learn good ways of behaving. These parents have to work at teaching discipline, slow and steady, staying right with the job.

It is not easy to get the right mixture: enough of the noisy kind, enough of the quiet; enough of the firm and strict, enough of the easy-going.

Where do you think you stand? Do you go overboard on one side or the other? It is worth thinking about.

Don't Rush The Seasons

I have always thought that those who farm for a living have a leg up on successfully raising children. Their work teaches them one of the basic skills in child-rearing: Good timing. Farm people know, for example that they can't plant whenever they want to. If the ground is too hard the seeds blow away. If the ground is too wet the seeds mildew. If the ground is too cold the seeds don't germinate. To succeed in the "growing" business - it's the same whether you grow wheat or corn or children! - your timing has to be right. Rushing the seasons always means trouble.

Of course, farm people aren't the only ones who know this. Everyday life teaches us all the importance of timing. Mother (or whoever does the cooking around your house) KNOWS: You have to wait because the cake isn't cool enough yet to ice... because the water hasn't yet come to a boil... because the pudding isn't firm enough yet to eat…. There are developments that have to take place first, until the time is right. Father (or whoever does the handiwork around your house) KNOWS: You have to wait until the glue hardens... until the paint dries... until the cement sets…. You have to wait until the time is right and then you can go to town.

We all really know, "Everything in its own good time." We know: "Strike while the iron is hot" and "Make hay while the sun shines." But we do have trouble applying this good sense to teaching children! I'm afraid even farm families do.

We are especially apt to rush the seasons when we have our hearts set on some particular behavior. For example, many people are anxious for three, four and five-year-olds to learn to read. There is no question about it: Good reading is the important goal - so important it can lure you into jumping the gun!

Some of the rush comes because people are not sure how to tell when a child is ready for formal lessons in reading. That question sounds like such a puzzler. Suppose they miss the boat? Suppose the time goes by? Suppose their child gets behind? They fret and stew and end up thinking: It's better to be safe than sorry, and so they plunge ahead.

But the worry isn't necessary. Knowing when the time is right is not as hard as it sounds. You don't have to be a genius to get the timing right.

Go back to farmers - they face the same kind of question. What is the right time to plant? One obvious way the farmer goes after the answer is to check the calendar. In many parts of the country, late April and early May have proven to be the good planting times, so: What is today's date?

Parents can check the calendar, too... as one guide. Mid-year to the end of year six has proven to be the time when most children get excited about learning to read. How old is your child?

But no farmer looks only at the calendar. There are other and more important indicators: the feel of the air, the warmth of the sun, the softness of the ground…. Sometimes the signs say: Go ahead, even though it is earlier than usual. Sometimes the sign says: Hold off, wait a little longer.

So, too, parents can use the calendar as one guide but the more important approach is to watch the signals children send. When youngsters are ready for formal, technical lessons in reading, clear signs will stick out all over them.

When children are ready for formal reading lessons, all the printed materials that have always been around them now catch their eye. Children who are ready are drawn to words... everywhere!

They spot street signs and brand names and labels and road signs and house Limbers and price tags and markers…. Anything and everything that is written takes on interest. When you see this behavior in your child - not once in a while but over and over - then you know: The time is right.

When children are ready for formal reading lessons they become almost obsessed with words. They ask questions endlessly: "Where does it say 'Green'?"…. "Where does it say 'Stop'?"…. They try to write out words - their own name is a great favorite - and they pester you for help: "Show me how to write 'For Sale'"…. "Show me how to write 'Tickets'"…. They like games that involve matching words or signs or numbers or letters. They want signs and labels for their make-believe play. When you see this behavior over and over in your child, you can be sure: The time is right.

You can be glad because, when the timing is right, the lessons are welcome.

When the timing is right, the lessons seem easy.

When the timing is right, the lessons stick with a child.

When the timing is off, the very opposite happens. The lessons are a chore. Children's minds wander. They forget, and the lessons have to be drilled in over and over again.

Of course, it is never easy to wait until the signs say "Go." If you ever feel fidgety and anxious to get the show on the road, it can help you simmer down if you remember: Waiting until the time is right does not mean wasting time.

Farmers don't sit around in the winter idly twiddling their thumbs waiting until spring comes. In winter, the time is right - not for planting - for very significant jobs: repairing fences, fixing equipment, painting…. These wintertime jobs all feed into the later planting and later harvesting. You can't have one without the other.

The same holds true for teaching children to read. For most Threes, Fours and Fives, it may not yet be time for workbooks or phonics or the formal sitting-down reading lessons - they are in the future - but parents at home (and teachers at school) don't have to twiddle their thumbs. There are wonderful things children are ready for now.

This is the time for stories that you read to your youngster, so a child sees the process of reading and learns that books are a pleasure.

This is the time for trips around town with your child. And the time for talking about ideas together, so a child's vocabulary grows.

This is the time for Threes, Fours and Fives to paint and to work with clay and with wood; it is a time for puzzles; a time for children to play their make-believe games together, so attention span and concentration and planning and thinking are strengthened. No child ever read well without these strengths.

These all make the Three-Four-Five days go better and they feed into the technical lessons in reading that come later. You can't have one without the other.

The Bible makes the point beautifully: "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under Heaven. A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted…."

Becoming a good reader - especially learning to like to read - is so important. I hope no one spoils it for your child by rushing the seasons.

Every Child Is an Individual

Now that your child is in a school group, I want to suggest to you an idea that I think is very important, one that can make a world of difference in your youngster's happiness and success in life.

There is only one trouble with it. Like so many of the ideas that go into good parenting, this one is a thousand times easier to say than it is to do. In fact, it is so simple to say that you might wonder: What is the fuss all about? But I promise you: If you can act on this idea now when your child is young - and later in the years ahead - you will never by sorry and your youngster will be forever glad.

What is this high-powered idea? Simply: Be content with the child you have!

You see how easy it is to say? One short sentence. But the message is a basic one: Don't go window-shopping. Don't go looking around. Or comparing. Or wishing your child was like someone else. Be very pleased and glad you have the child you have.

I suggest this to you now because your child is in a group. You will see your boy or girl stacked up against other children the same age. As you get to know these other youngsters you may find it hard not to "go wishing." One child reads already. I wish my child could do that. One child is so polite. I wish my child acted like that. One child sticks at jobs with such perseverance. I wish my child did that. One child is so friendly and talkative. One child is so adventuresome. One child seems so smart. I wish… I wish… Why can't my child be like that?

Of course, this wishing-wanting usually doesn't begin when a child first goes to school. It is very apt to start earlier, at home. If you have other children in the family there is a constant temptation to compare one youngster with another: "Why can't you be like your brother (or like your sister)?" Or sometimes we say the very opposite: "Don't you be like them!"

Even if you have no other children, all mothers and fathers carry some pictures in their minds of what they hope their child will be like. Our dreams may be based on relatives we have admired - we would be so glad if our child turned out like them. Or close friends may be our ideal, or the image may come from the movies or from TV or from books.

Often we simply have a general picture in our minds of "the perfect child." This may well include some strong notions of how a boy should act and how a girl should act. Frequently the image of the ideal comes from our own lives. We want our child to do things we never did, to have strengths we never had, to be what we never were, to avoid all our weaknesses.

This kind of comparing is almost inevitable and, within limits, it can be to the good. It would be a shame if we didn't have high hopes for our children. That is what parents are for, and exactly what we are supposed to do.

But danger lurks here, too. The trouble comes when our hopes, the pictures-in-our-mind, and looking at the real children in school lead us into dissatisfaction. Then into nagging. Then we are into the very thing nobody wants. You don't want your child to feel: "I guess I am no good the way I am… I guess something is wrong with me.

"There are qualities in all of us that no one can change. The child cannot change them, no matter how hard he or she may try. We cannot change them, no matter how doggedly, persistently we plug away. Some of these qualities are our inheritance: eye color, skin color, physical build, and ever so many aspects of our personalities and our capacities. We were born with these; they stay apart of us forever. And some of these unchangeable qualities come from our age and the stage of maturity we are in. These characteristics were born into us, too; they stay a part of us as long as we are Two or Three or Four or whatever our age.

Together, these unchangeables - inheritance and our stage of growth - in large part, make us the particular individuals that we are. When the important big people in a child's life try to tamper with them - I wish my child were like that… I wish my child could do that - only feelings are changed. Inwardly or openly the child may feel angry with us; we are asking a youngster to do something that cannot possibly be done and the child knows the unfairness of that. It is worse when a child ends up feeling angry with himself or herself: "I guess I am not so good."

People need to believe in themselves in order to succeed in this world. They have to have faith in themselves. Self-confidence. When they hold their heads high, then children (and grown-ups) bring something a little extra to whatever they try. You can call it drive. A spark. Call it ambition. Belief. Those with inner pride may not be as smart as some others, but they do better. They may not be as strong or as swift as some others, but they do better.

Keep remembering: A youngster doesn't have to be a specific, special kind of child - an early reader, extra-friendly - in order to do well. There is a place in this world for all who have faith in themselves. The only ones apt to get shut out are those who are not pleased to be who they are… because parents - and teachers - were not pleased with them.

One note of warning: To be content with the very special individual you have - no wishing, no window-shopping - doesn't mean to be content with whatever your child does. Nor does it mean that you accept any behavior that comes along - however your child happens to act is fine. That would be absurd.

You don't want to try to change a youngster's basic nature, basic style, basic interests, natural abilities. But it is your job to teach your child and to help your child do better, whenever change is possible. The trick is to know where to draw the line: Stay away from the unchangeables, work on the changeable. Making that distinction is one of the hardest tasks parents have to tackle.

I can give you one tip. Whenever you find yourself working too hard at being a parent - nagging too much, reminding too much, angry and displeased too often - stop, stand off, and think. You may be wishing you had a different child! You may be trying to change the unchangeable.

A child is lucky whose parents talk together and are on their toes, ready to do something when something can be done. This child senses: They will teach me and help me grow because they care for me. A child is also lucky - very lucky - whose parents are pleased with the basic individual they have. This child knows: They wouldn't trade ME in for anyone else under the sun!

Such lucky children will do and be the very best that is possible. May your boy or girl be one of them!

Give Your Child Responsibilities

Young children, as you well know, have many moments of feeling very grown up, very big and important. My advice to you is: Take full advantage of these moments. Get all the work you can out of your youngster. Don't ever stand in the way of a volunteer!

There are jobs within every household that children can do: helping with the dishes, washing and drying; setting the table, helping to clear off; emptying wastepaper baskets; carrying garbage to the garbage pail; carrying in bundles when you have been shopping; answering the phone; watering plants; piling up newspapers for recycling; feeding pets; doing part of the vacuuming; helping with cooking; helping with the care of a baby…

And young children have many moments when they are eager to take care of themselves: bathing themselves… drying themselves… picking out what they will wear… dressing themselves… making their beds… picking up toys and putting them away putting dirty clothes in the hamper…

Whenever your youngster feels ambitious in any of these ways, don't squelch the enthusiasm. Be very pleased, and let your child carry the ball. The trouble is - and we all fall into the trap: It is so much simpler to say "No" or to ignore all these wonderful offers of child "help." The reason why is obvious: Because child labor isn't always a "help"!

When children take on a job, they have a totally different time sense than you and I. If it is at all possible, they love to diddle and daddle and fool around and play with a job, stretching out the whole process, sometimes more than we can stand.

Another irritation: Young children tend to get most enthusiastic about jobs they really can't do! You know the expression about people whose eyes are bigger than their stomachs, and the one about people who have champagne appetites but beer pocketbooks. All youngsters are like that. They want to carry the heaviest bundle. They want to open the biggest door. I think we often under-estimate what children can do. I know children almost always over-estimate what they can do.

Still another headache: Certain kinds of jobs have a special allure and they are not always the jobs you are eager to have your child do. Young children love water jobs, for example, and gushy-mushy jobs. Cleaning the bathtub is a favorite and that sometimes turns out to be: "flooding the bathroom." Children often want to water the garden and water the bushes, and that can mean drowning every plant in sight.

Of course, in addition - I hardly have to say it! - young children are not the world's most skilled workers. When they do a job you often have to come along after them to put on the finishing touches and to give some final licks.

Child labor isn't always a great boon to you, but child labor is always a great boon for a child. Every youngster who carries some responsibilities around the house gains from the experience. The child who does some jobs feels more a part of the family - and that is very important. The child who does some jobs feels bigger, more grown up - and that is very important.

The greatest gain of all: Jobs and responsibilities give youngsters practice in standing on their own two feet, in being independent. Such self-reliance is very important or success in school. School is a child's work, school is a child's life. No one can go to school for a child. Or learn for a child. Youngsters have to live their own lives. So any pleasing experiences at home in being independent and in being responsible make a solid contribution to school success.

These are the reasons why I urge you to be very glad whenever your boy or girl wants to pitch in. I urge you to go a step further, too. Don't hesitate to "invite" your youngster - or lure your youngster - or suggest that your youngster take on some job, if the idea hasn't occurred to him or her.

Better still: Talk over the idea with your child. That's always a smart thing to do. Youngsters usually have ideas about jobs they would like to take on, once you open up the possibility to them. And nothing is better than getting their ideas, encouraging them to think, and listening very seriously to what they have to say.

I can't pass on any fail-proof tips about how to make a child's chores and responsibilities around the house always work out well. But I do know a few general guides that may be useful to you.

In general, Number One: Children are more apt to stick by jobs that occur at a fixed time, especially a time when other people at home are also working. A schedule and regularity really help.

Two: Company helps, too. Children are more apt to stick by jobs they can do with someone else, rather than with the lonely jobs where they are off by themselves.

A third point, very important: Don't forget to praise your child when a job has been well done, or done as well as a young child can do it. Praise works much better than criticism to keep children going.

Some people wonder, incidentally, if they should pay their boys and girls for the jobs they do around the house - perhaps a penny or a nickel or a dime. I think this has to be each family's decision. My own leaning - for whatever help that may be to you - is not to pay young children for the day-by-day jobs they do. But I do think even young children benefit by having a small allowance, money that is theirs just because they are in the family, money that is theirs to do with as they will.

One last point: Once your youngster takes on a job, don't feel that you have signed a Labor-Management contract that will stay in force until next year's bargaining session. No such luck! The interests and enthusiasms of children change. The changes don't come from any lack in your child's character nor are they the start of bad habits. This is simply the way young boys and girls are.

All parents - with every child and every kind of job - have to do some reminding, even insisting now and again. I wouldn't worry about that. But if you ever feel that the job has become a battle, I'd skip it. If, every time, it bolls down to your fussing and nagging to get something done, wait for a new enthusiasm to come along. One soon will. All the gains that can come through a child's taking responsibility are lost when the job becomes a hassle headache for everyone.

It Is Not Easy To Be a Good Parent

Every once in a long while, I meet a few parents who act as if they know exactly how to handle their children. The shadow of a doubt never crosses their minds. Such super-confidence takes my breath away! Ages ago parents acted like this. But today mothers and fathers who have no uncertainties, who never have second thoughts are few and far between. Every time I meet one of that vanishing breed of know-it-alls, I think of the wonderful line: "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you probably don't know what is going on." That really could be their trouble!

Being a good parent is a tough, demanding job. No one can do it without a lot of hard work and hard thinking. It is not a simple business of getting answers down pat that hold true for ever and everywhere.

Children - even those within the same family - are different and need different responses.

Each situation is a little different.

Worst of all: Children trap us into making split-second decisions. They move so fast. They cook up so many bright new ideas. They see so many possibilities: things to touch, to taste, to explore, places to go. The parent is on the spot. Should you say "Yes"? Should you say "No"? ...and you don't have all day to make up your mind. Should you stop what your child is doing? Or let the behavior go on? Or dream up some substitute activity? You can't call a committee meeting or appoint a study group. A parent has to act on the spur of the moment. That is the nature of the job. You have to do what seems sensible to you, and do it right then and there.

Add to all the standard difficulties the fact that today so many parents do their job under bad working conditions. Parents don't have the space they need so their children can run, climb, build and make noise. Their too-little space gets filled with dangerous things, and spillables, breakables, and expensive things. Children are led into mischief because the setting isn't right. It is hard - impossible, almost - for many parents to provide sand and mud and water, materials young children dearly love (and materials that help youngsters simmer down and behave better!).

In addition, our grownup lives today are so full. Few of us have the time we wish we had; we end up with an awful sense of always being rushed. So many of us are raising our children all on our own, single parents. That's a hard way to do the job. Even when two parents are present, the chances are that the family is miles away from their original home base, far from friends and relatives. Things always go easier in old, familiar settings.

It is so easy to see why good parents today have some doubts and worries. That is very understandable, but what worries me: just as I occasionally meet a few know-it-alls, I also meet many conscientious mothers and fathers - too many! - who say, "I'm probably doing everything wrong." I'm persuaded that many of those parents are being too hard on themselves.

If you worry too much and put yourself down too often, let me say a fact or two about children which may bring some relief.

One important point: Children are tough critters! They don't have to be handled perfectly. If you make a decision that is a real boner, your child may cry bloody murder at the moment, or for a short while sulk and be out of sorts. But young children have a remarkable capacity to bounce back. They make very quick recoveries and the moments of unhappiness pass.

Of course, if shouts of bloody murder go on all the time, something is out of kilter. Family life never sounds like a choir of angels but it doesn't have to sound like a battlefield either. SO: Do watch out if your child feels as if he or she always gets a rough deal. That would be too bad. No youngster can take being on the losing side time after time. But all youngsters can take occasional downtimes. No lasting scars will show from that.

Another fact to keep in mind: Children don't need angels for parents. They don't need "experts" for parents. The only kind of parent your child really needs is YOU. Sometimes mothers or fathers say to me: "You probably wouldn't approve of what I do." If they stick pins in their child I certainly wouldn't approve! But the inescapable fact is that we each have to be ourselves and raise our own children in our own style. Some of us are more excitable than others; we have a shorter fuse and make a louder noise when we blow our tops. We each have our own sore points; we get upset by behavior that others can take in their stride. We have our hopes and our dreams and our goals. All we can give to our children is ourselves, complete with our peculiarities, our foibles, our foolishness ...our love. That is all a child asks for and all a child needs. But: We don't have to stay our same old selves through all the years! We can think. We can learn. We can change.

That brings me to one last fact: Children always come back for more! If you and your child got into some conflict and you wonder if you made the right decision, don't fret. You can be sure the trouble will come up again (!) and again (!!). That's one of the wonderful things about children. Of course, it is also one of the things that can drive us crazy! But the bright side is that children are giving us the chance to change. If we did make an error in judgment, in all the next times that are sure to come, we have the chance to react more wisely.

A parent is like the batter in baseball. You swing and miss the ball completely but it takes three strikes to put you out. And if you should strike out - in baseball even the very best players do - you will get another turn at bat, a chance to do better the next time.

You may come to feel it would be wiser to put up with some behaviors, instead of stopping them.

Or you may want to try talking things over more with your youngster, explaining, instead of simply stopping what your child is doing.

Or you may want to be more inventive, coming up with some bright ideas - diversions, distractions, substitutes - instead of flat "No"s.

No one can spell out all the possibilities in advance, but this can be said for sure: The secret to good parenting lies in thinking, not in staying in a rut.

You hear a lot about how important it is to be consistent with children, always doing and saying the same thing. There is truth in that. You can't flip-flop every whipstitch until a child never knows what goes and what doesn't. But there is more truth in another idea: Children are better off having a thinking parent than a consistent parent who has a closed mind! It is the thinking that makes being a good parent such a hard job.

Learning to Read at an Early Age

One question troubles many parents: What about teaching reading to young children, at home or at school?

Many mothers and fathers, of course, think that the under-six age is early to fuss much about reading. And they are right. Most children don't get very excited about learning to read until they are Six or almost age Seven, in fact. The big leaps ahead in reading usually come in second grade, not in the under-Six years.

But a few children do learn to read when they are Five. Some learn to read at age Four and a few rare youngsters at Three. It is because of this wide spread of differences that parents worry about reading. Is there anything they should do at home? And underneath it all: Does a child gain by learning to read early, at Three or Four or Five?

That last question is one I can really answer. The answer is: "Maybe Yes and maybe No"! I'm sorry if that sounds like a cop-out, but that's the way it is. To learn to read at an early age may be a very good break for a child OR it may not. It all depends.

It all depends on how come the child learned to read ahead of most other children. How did the early reading come about?

If a youngster learns to read early because reading comes easily and naturally, that is one thing. Some children have the kind of intelligence that makes it easy for words and letters to sink in. Some come from homes where mother and father are real bookworms - that can be a help. Some children have older brothers and sisters who read; that sometimes leads the younger child into early reading. Some boys and girls are "loners" for one reason or another; they turn to books while other youngsters are more involved with people. Heredity plays a part in early reading, too.

No matter what the reason - and often there is a combination of reasons - it is one thing when learning to read early flows out of the nature of the child, and flows from the kind of family the child lives in. No one has strained, no one has struggled. You could almost say: the early reading just… happened. It was no big deal.

When early reading comes about in this natural way, a youngster gains - there is no getting away from it. These easy-going early readers usually love to read. They usually get good marks in their primary grades and find schoolwork enjoyable. And - although you can't tell for sure - they are apt to be good readers all their lives.

But before you feel too envious if your child isn't like this... And before you pop a button if your child is like this, let me remind you that nothing is ever all peaches and cream.

The children who glide into early reading sometimes face some complications. They may be bored in school. (It doesn't have to work out that way, but sometimes it does.) Because they are different, they may have trouble finding friends. (It doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes it does.) And while these early readers usually have one kind of intelligence, other youngsters are smart in other ways. Other youngsters may be more imaginative; they may have more skill with their hands, or be friendlier, or have more ambition.

The point is: No one child gets all the breaks. It is silly to be envious. And very silly - at home or at school - to try to reshape a child into a style that doesn't fit.

If your youngster is a natural, easy-going, nothing-to-it early reader, be very pleased. And if your child is on "standard time," learning to read when most other children do, be very pleased too. Because the only thing that hurts children is to speed up their timetable. That is the risky road.

The speed-up may work. A child may learn the letters or the sounds or a few words a little earlier. But youngsters who are pushed into early reading sometimes, later, turn against reading - it never was enjoyable and they've had it! Sometimes, later, they turn against school. And sometimes, later, they become more rebellious than people have to be. I am sure you know why. You never can push people around - not even little people - and get away with it. They always push back - later, when they can.

What, then, is the, best time for a child to learn to read? Early... at Three or Four or Five? On "standard time"... at Six or Seven? The one right time is each child's own time!

Fortunately it isn't hard at all to know when a child's time has come. That is one thing you don't have to worry about. The youngster who is ready to learn will drive everyone crazy asking about words and asking for help with reading.

Any time your child asks: "What is that word?" or "What does that say?" or "Show me my name" or "How do you write 'Stop'?", don't hesitate. Give whatever help your youngster is asking for.

And if your child is on "standard time" and not pestering you, you don't have to simply hang around and wait. You and the school should probably forget about formal, sitting-down lessons from a reading workbook or a primer. But there are no end of good things teachers can do at school - puzzles, paints, blocks, trips, activities; these are all fine for young children and lay a wonderful foundation for learning to read. And there is one thing in particular, an excellent thing, you can do at home.

I urge you: Read to your youngster just as often as you possibly can.

Read comic books. Read the funny sheets. Read the ads in magazines and read the mail that comes to the house. Read anything together that you both enjoy, but do read good children's books, too, just as often as you can. Make a bedtime story a feature of every night. Have a storytime in the late afternoon, or after lunch, or after dinner or whenever you can fit it in, any time that jibes with your family's schedule. I can't spell out the times because every family lives differently, but you can see what I am urging: books, books, loads of books. Stories. One after another.

Not knowing your budget, I can't urge you to buy lots of books. But at holiday times, birthday times, when you probably spend some money on gifts, do buy at least one book for that youngster of yours. You don't have to spend a fortune. The supermarkets and other stores have good books that don't cost a lot. Giving a book gets a message over to your child. The message: books (and reading) are important.

Then, of course, there are wonderful free books. If you are not using your public library, this is the time to join. You can usually take home 3,4,5,6 children's books at a time. Librarians are very glad to suggest books your child will like, and your youngster will have ideas, too. It is an experience for a child to see the whole mass of books in the library. And a wonderful experience in importance to be the one who selects the books.

No money-back guarantees come with reading lots of stories: "Read 3 books and your child will be reading in 3 weeks." It doesn't work that way. I can guarantee you this, however: Read a lot of books and stories at home and you will be building a very solid foundation. Like fertilizing the soil, the reading you do is bound to pay off sooner or later. And I can say the reverse very flatly: The youngster who hasn't had many pleasing times with books usually finds learning to read a very difficult job.

SO: I hope you and your child have many happy times together with books. Children on "fast time," children on "standard time," all young children love stories. Storytime is a prize activity, with no harm in it at all and with no end of good.

Lessons in Morality Begin Early

One dream all parents share, I am sure, is that our children will grow into fine, decent humans who can be counted on to do the right thing. But today many of us, I am afraid, worry that our dream might turn into a nightmare. The world we live in is so scary. On TV and in our newspapers the big news is about drugs, about drunken driving, about disturbing sex behavior between even very young teenagers, about speeding, about cheating... The last thing we want is for our children to become a part of this sad scene.

The question comes up: Is there anything we can do now, when our children are young, to build their awareness of what is right and wrong? I believe the answer is clearly "Yes." The early childhood years are the time to begin. Parents can play many useful roles. Let me suggest two. One lesson is in basic prevention, building a protective barrier. The other involves positive action in developing sound morals.

The first lesson: Teach children to feel good about themselves. I know of no more major contribution to later moral behavior. Early pride and self-confidence are like a shield. You can think of them as a kind of immunization against trouble in adolescence and in the early adult years. Self-confident children don't have to worry and fret about whether people will like them - they know they are OK. They are under less inside pressure to do strange things just to get in with and to please the other fellow. They are less likely to cave in and go along with whatever the gang is doing. Strong, sure of themselves, they can afford to stand up for what they think is right... and to stand alone if they have to.

Children move into this strong position in many ways. The first and most important step begins with us, our feeling good about our children and being pleased we have them. We enjoy them, we are proud of them, and we show it.

How? For one thing, by making the most of every chance for good times together: taking walks, playing games, having story times, working together on cooking and household jobs, talking together whenever there is time, turning everyday events like bath and bedtime into pleasing occasions, laughing enough... We each will do it our own way; we each have our own time schedules and time pressures. But we each somehow must let our youngsters know that we are glad they are here. Our good feelings can't be a secret. A child must deeply sense: "They like me!" and so increasingly realize: "I must be likeable."

Praise is another way of helping children feel proud. Not phony praise, of course. Not soft-soap or baloney - children see through the fakery. You don't have to make a production of it, but: Don't be stingy with the words that give a lift and with the pat on the back for a job well-done: the painting, the block-building, the face that got washed, the teeth brushed, the bundle carried, the door held open...

Teaching children new skills is another way of boosting their self-confidence. Youngsters start life empty, so the skills they must master are numberless - from learning to button a button, to tying a shoelace, to using a saw, to mixing new colors of paint, to learning to swim, to putting a key in a keyhole, to reading one's name... A little time from you, a tip from you, a fact you pass on, a technique you demonstrate, and youngsters' know-how expands. Their picture of themselves brightens. You can see it in their faces and hear it in their words: "I can tell time... I can turn a somersault... That says my name..."

There are a few approaches to stay away from if you want children to start off with solid, sure, good feelings. Let me mention three. Beware of comparisons, for example: "Why don't you act nice like so-and-so?" Comparisons are real lemons. We mean well but they knock the wind out of children's sails. Watch out, too, for name-calling: "Stupid... Slowpoke... Lazy..." That is Brand X for sure. We do it because we want children to live up to their best, but they always live down to the labels put on them. Try hard, too, to steer away from too much nagging. Constant pick-pick-picking leaves youngsters not strengthened but worried: "There must be something wrong with me." Children that unsure run the risk of being pushovers in their later years.

Building inner feelings of strength lays a foundation and is good protection. The early years are also the time to teach moral standards.

The chance for this second kind of lesson in morality occurs whenever something goes wrong - as children are playing whether alone or with others, or when they are with you. Obviously, this adds up to countless times, and time after time!

A child hits or bites or kicks or punches or grabs or holds on to a possession for dear life... This is your chance to sell children on decency. You have to talk with them. You have to reason with them. You have to discuss, quietly, earnestly, seriously. You have to make a major effort to help them see what is involved. It isn't enough to say "Stop" or "No" or "You mustn't." You have to present them over and over with a sound and valid and good reason: "Because that hurts... Because that destroys... Because that isn't fair... Because that bothers people... And "Because I say so" is not a valid reason.

Selling children on decency is a very slow process. You have to work patiently and you mustn't expect to see results right away. So often your teaching will go counter to what comes naturally to children. The young think of themselves first, and often can think only of themselves. The young grab, push, take. They find waiting and postponing so difficult as to be almost impossible at times. All this is the human child's way in the early years of life. It takes a lot of patient talking - not angry talking - to help them slowly progress toward more civilized behavior.

For anyone not concerned with building morality there are many quick tricks to stop "bad" behavior in its tracks. Threatening children, if one sounds angry enough, may do it. Punishing them, if one hurts them enough, may do it. Rewarding them, if one pays enough, may be the answer. But if you are committed to teaching morality, it isn't enough to make children behave because the policeman or the paymaster is around. You want to reach a child's mind and a child's heart. You want them to absorb good values and good standards, and eventually to adopt them as their own.

You talk with children. You keep making the best case you can. At the beginning, of course, you don't count on your words alone to carry the day. Words take a long time to sink in. So you stay on the scene yourself, or you remove the source of the trouble, or you introduce some diversion - whatever helps to restore peace and tranquility. But your words are what count. Once youngsters accept them because they make sense, then children have something of their own they can carry with them into the years ahead.

There are, of course, no guarantees about those years ahead, no money-back promises should matters work out badly. Building moral human beings is a tremendous job and a complicated one. Many forces besides ourselves are involved, for better or worse: religion, TV, the neighborhood that youngsters live in, their friends, the state of the country's economy, the political climate, the temper of the times... One thing you can be sure about, however. Children who, in their early years, learn to feel confident about themselves, children who early take into themselves good standards, at least have a sound start. They are headed toward becoming the fine humans you want them to be.

On Being the Parent of a Young Child

I would like to pass on a few thoughts about being the parent of a young child. I hope you find some of what I say comforting at the end of a long, hard day.

When you are the parent of an under-Six youngster there are many long, hard days! It takes strength and energy to be a parent... as well as patience, nerves of steel, quick reflexes, strong arches in your feet and a good back. The back, in particular, gets very tired when you live: with young children.

I think all parents wonder at times whether someone else has discovered an easier way of doing the job. We wonder if we are doing something wrong. Why are we tired a lot of the time, discouraged some of the time, worried a part of the time? I am afraid that no one else knows any secrets or shortcuts to being a good parent. The low moments - when we ache a little physically and are bruised a little psychologically - come with being a parent. Nothing is wrong. They are par for the course... in the nature of the job.

And for very good reasons. Young children need so much looking after, for one thing. You need to be on your toes almost all of the time. Children have no real capacity to think ahead, no capacity to be on the lookout for the unexpected. They need very watchful grown-ups to do this kind of thinking for them. And the job can be exhausting.

Young children also need so much help. They need grown-ups to reach what they cannot reach... to tie this, to untie that... to fix this, to fix that... to settle arguments... to button something, to unbutton something else. Every parent feels pecked at. You seem never to have a moment for yourself or time to finish jobs that are important to you... unless you find time after midnight! And many parents of young children can hardly keep their eyes open after eight o'clock!

I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is the "culture shock." That is one way of saying that young children live in a different world from ours. They behave in different ways. For some examples: Children love noise of any kind; they are full of movement and pep and energy; they show their emotions so openly; when young children are unhappy, you know it!

Children interrupt. They ask a million questions. They poke into places that are none of their business. They often leave a mess behind, wherever they go. I tell you and you could tell me: It is a "shock" and a strain living with children whose style and manners and customs are so different from our own.

So: Whenever you feel tired and beaten down a little, take heart! You have a lot of company. You probably are not doing anything wrong. It simply is true: a lot of weariness goes with being a parent.

But there is a bright side, too. If you keep that in mind it will cheer you up when you are feeling low. As one example, young children are so very affectionate. They may drive us crazy, but oh! How they love us! They love us even though they become furious with us at times. They love us even though sometimes they call us names.

They kiss. They hug. They squeeze. They put their arms around your neck so hard you can't be sure whether you are being loved to death or choked to death. Not everyone in this world gets such warm, open, overflowing love. Only parents. So make the most of it when this love comes your way. It is mighty precious.

Young children give us many other gifts. Each of us gets a special lift from different things they do. I get a tremendous boost from their excitement and their enthusiasm. Young children are new to our world. Simple, everyday happenings - ordinary to us - fill them with fire.

The other day I heard a child at the beach call out: "I put my head under!" The pride, the excitement, brought to my mind the hundreds of children I have seen coming into school: "I have a new belt... I have new shoes." The world is filled with simple wonders when you are young. Watching children latch on to these wonders helps to keep us young.

I must say too: I marvel at the imagination of the young. These children have a phenomenal capacity to pretend. They can take a stick, a box, a trike - anything! - and they transform it: "This must be a car... a boat, a store, a hospital, a fort... " I am constantly impressed by the intensity with which children throw themselves into their pretending. They become utterly absorbed.

I know that play is good for children AND it does me good to be around it. I don't see such earnestness and seriousness, such imagination when I am with my grown-up friends. My life becomes a little richer when I am around youngsters who have these very special qualities.

There is, of course, one other quite different note of good cheer. At least, I suppose you might call it "good cheer." Children don't stay young forever. Any behavior you find hard to live with right now is very apt to stop. So hang in there. Whatever it is - the noise they make, their interruptions, their messiness, their poking into things - any behavior you find a grind probably won't go on forever. Fives become Sixes, and Fifteens, and Twenty-fives - sometimes all too soon. So anytime you feel a little put upon, remember: time passes. Take a deep breath and hang on.

There is something else you can do, whenever being a parent gets you down. Talk with someone! Talking together is one of the good things that can go on when both a mother and a father are at home. To spill over, to hear someone say some soothing words - and sometimes the other person even has a bright idea about how to cope.

Of course, a lot of homes today don't have two parents in them. If you are raising your child alone, do find a friend who will be a good listener. Your child's teacher perhaps. A relative. A neighbor. Once we talk out what a child is doing, the behavior usually doesn't seem quite so bad. Or maybe the talking helps us to feel a little stronger, more able to take it.

One more suggestion: get away from your child enough to keep spirits high! That is one of the great gifts of an early childhood group. It makes it possible for your child to live in a child's world for a time; you can have your world for a time. Usually both you and your youngster come back to each other a little refreshed.

Something else good almost always happens. Whether your child goes off to school or to a friend's house, you are apt to get back some positive and pleasing reports. These good reports can be a joy to hear, although they also are a little frustrating. We worry and fuss and stew about the way our child acts at home - then these glowing reports come about how well the same child behaves at school or at the neighbor's!

You wonder sometimes: are these reports true or false? And if they are true, you may feel a little angry. If your child can act so well away from home, why all the bad acting at home?

Usually a child acts the same way in school, at home; at a friend's house, at home. But at home we worry more. At home we tend to make mountains out of molehills. At home - it is a trap we all fall into - we want our boy or girl to be perfect, so we nag and fuss. Other people just want our child to be... a child!

I hope you hear many good reports about your youngster, and that they lift your spirits. Raising a child is hard work but raising a child brings its own special rewards, too. Do get all the pleasure and enjoyment you can get out of being a parent.

Take A Trip With Your Child!

Not all good-sounding ideas about raising young children "work" but I can suggest one which - whenever you can fit it into your home life - I know will pay great dividends, now that your child has started to school.

Whenever you can find the time - after school or on weekends perhaps - take your youngster on a short walk or a short car ride to see some of the sights in your community. I am not thinking of long journeys. Nothing that will tire you out or tire your child. Just brief trips. Nearby. To see the happenings that are close at hand. This kind of a special trip, for you and your child, is an excellent thing to do.

Where you go depends on where you live. In many communities you can simply walk down the street and see some important goings-on: a ditch being dug... a tree being pruned... workers repairing the road... a moving van unloading...

This gives you an idea of the kind of event young children need to see at firsthand: men and women at work... machines at work... jobs... activities... the doings that make our world go 'round.

Most of these sights are commonplace to us adults - we've passed them a thousand times - but they are not old-hat to children. And it is rare for children to have the chance to get close up. Today's youngsters catch glimpses of a lot of life as we speed along in our cars. What they need, however, is the opportunity to look carefully, to stare, to think. Close observation is mind-stretching for a child.

You may know a worker at your post office who will let you take your child "backstage" to see how letters are sorted. Or you may know someone at the supermarket, or at the firehouse or at the gas station. Even if you don't know anyone in particular, people at work are usually very glad to show a young child what they do and where they do it. All we have to do is ask them properly. One reason why most people are so generous with their time is because young children are good audiences. Their eyes almost pop out of their heads and they ask a million questions.

Depending on where you live, you may have to drive a short distance to some special locations: to the airport, the bus terminal, to see a train coming in, to watch boats in the harbor, to see sheep being shorn, a car being repaired, a cow being milked or a loaf of bread being wrapped.

It really doesn't make a great deal of difference where you go. Sometimes you become aware of a misunderstanding or confusion in your child's mind; sometimes you become aware of a special interest your child has - these help you decide where to go. Just as often you simply set out. You will know you have gone to the right place when your youngster says: "Look at that!" Or maybe doesn't even say a word but is completely absorbed. The important point is for your child to see something - to see a lot of things - that start the brain stirring.

I am sure you know why all this is so very good for a child at the beginning of a school career. Whoever first coined that expression, "Travel is broadening," put their finger on it. The more places you go to, the more you know. The more you understand. The more the world begins to make sense. And in large part that is what schooling is all about: Knowledge... Understanding... Getting matters straight.

This Johnny-on-the-spot firsthand investigating is especially important for under-Six children. These boys and girls have not yet reached the age when they can read books about anything and everything under the sun, all on their own. They have to get their information another way: by looking at the real thing, by touching, by asking. Firsthand seeing is the best possible grounding for all their schoolwork, now and in the future.

The youngest children have always needed this firsthand look but today's youngsters have an extra-special need. Today they watch a lot of TV. This gives them some knowledge about the world. But TV can fool children - that tube doesn't really show things as they actually are. And TV can fool us, too. Our children talk as if they know so much but when a lot of their knowledge comes from the tube, they may not truly understand as much as we think they do.

Trips - these little visits around town, nearby, close at hand - do a lot more than build knowledge. They help children become better observers. On every trip you hear them say: "Look at that."... "Look!" Looking is exactly what you want them to do. You can help your child become more and more skilled in observing. One way: Don't ever hesitate to point out to your youngster things you see.

That leads to another great benefit from these little trips. Children talk on these jaunts and you talk, too. A lot of conversation goes on. New words are used. The names for things: cherry-picker... acetylene torch... The names for workers: meter maid... upholsterer... tree surgeon… The names for places: bog... shaft... silo… buoy... Any time you help your child's language grow, any time the two of you talk together, you are getting in good licks for good work at school. Language is at the very center of successful schooling.

On every trip, a lot of children's language comes in question form. These questions can push you a little. Children ask: "What is that called?" and you may not know. "Why are they doing that?" and you may not know.

There are two ways to respond and I guess we all use both of them from time to time. You may have to say: "I'm sorry, I don't know." There is no terrible harm in that. But now and again we can do something that is better: "I'm sorry, I don't know but let's find out." Then the two of you ask someone or look up the answer in a book or maybe you work out the answer yourselves. Searching for answers is very good education. You can be delighted when your child asks questions, even the hard-to-answer ones. That is exactly what a school-going person ought to do.

Children will find many answers as you go with them on these little journeys and all the answers feed into their sense of growing up. That is another reason why I think so highly of trips. Trips make children feel smart. They make children feel big. Trips make children feel proud.

Sometimes youngsters boast a little: "Do you know where I've been?" And that's all right. Sometimes they brag a little: "I've been there... I've done that." And that's all right, too. And sometimes with their friends they even sound fresh: "Dummy! Don't you know that?"

A little pride is all right. One of the secret ingredients that leads to doing well in school is having confidence in yourself, feeling that you are somebody. Self-confidence somehow makes it easier for children to learn.

So: Let me urge you. Whenever you can, make a little time in your busy life - fifteen minutes... half an hour... an hour. Take a little trip, you and your child. A little trip, close at hand. You won't need a travel agency.

I can add one more comment: The chances are that you will have a good time on the trip, too. That is one of the nicest things about taking your youngster on these journeys.

Bon voyage!

Talking and Listening

You have a child going to school now. I can tell you of a great and wonderful gift you can give to this youngster of yours; as an added bonus, it is a gift that doesn't cost a cent! You have to admit that is amazing in these days when everything connected with children is so expensive.

This fabulous gift has many virtues - it really is a prize present - but I don't think you could ever guess what it is.

It is the gift of our ears! And your attention.

It is the gift of your tongue! And your words, your ideas.

If you want to do something very nice for your child, sit down and talk together. Sit down and listen. Make a time in the crowded busy day, when the two of you simply have a conversation. That's the gift I have in mind: talking and listening. And I promise you that it is a great one.

I can't suggest what the two of you should talk about. Unless you will be content with a big broad suggestion: Talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I mean that literally. Anything and everything. I remember vividly a conversation that began when one of our children, about age Five, asked me: "Why do they pump your stomach?" The question came completely out of the blue. If a student in my college classes had ever asked for a list of the things young children think about, I could have made a long list, but "having your stomach pumped" would never have been on it. My youngster, however - somewhere, somehow - had overheard talk about somebody's stomach being pumped. And the idea sank in and rattled around and worried. Because we had some time alone for talking, the business of stomach-pumping came out in the open.

One fact is certainly true today: Children see and hear more than youngsters ever did before. Television, traveling with parents in cars and going to school, playing in the neighborhood, being close to grown-ups in the home and in stores - these all mean that there is very little in life that young children haven't bumped into somewhere. And wondered about. War… and blood and dying, and people getting sick; accidents and amputations and people crippled… Fights and arguments and divorce and babies being born… Money and jobs and skin color and sex differences… Tornadoes, hurricanes, lightning… You name it. The idea has probably crossed your child's mind. If you and your boy or girl get the "talking-time" habit, any idea may come up.

I can't specify what to talk about. I can't suggest when to talk either. We all lead such different lives. Maybe at bath time. Maybe at bedtime. Any time the two of you are alone - that's the important point - and not pushed by other matters. Any time you are free to chat. I used to find some of my very best talking-listening times when one of our youngsters was alone with me in the car. If the traffic wasn't too rough, we would get going on the most amazing conversations. But each family has to find its own time, when it is pleasant for two people to talk.

Anyone can start the ball rolling. I suppose, in our family, when we first began our "talking-times" I probably spoke up first. We would drive along. Something would catch my eye: a truck, a piece of farm equipment, a passerby on the sidewalk, and I would ask: "Do you know what that's for?" or "Do you know where that comes from?" or "Do you know what happens when…"

Or sometimes I would ask a general question, to see what response I would get. Like: "What do you think about people who break into other people's houses and take stuff that doesn't belong to them?"

Now and again, the same as when grown-ups chat, the conversation went nowhere and we dropped it. More often, the same as when grown-ups chat, the conversation started with one idea and then moved on to another and another, going all around Robin Hood's barn.

The more we both got into what you could call the "talking-time" habit, the more often the child would start the ball rolling, the way one of our youngsters did with the stomach-pump question. I remember another surprising query: "What does it mean: To be adopted? Why are some kids adopted?" Today's children are born with big ears, big eyes, and they get around - their heads are full of big ideas.

Children like simple, short, straightforward, uncomplicated answers. Sometimes - you have to be the judge - they don't really even want an answer. The conversation goes further if you hold back a bit and say something like: "That's a good question. What do you think?" And then the child takes off.

But if you answer, be honest. Tell the truth. No fairy tales or cock-and-bull stories. Any time you can't answer, there is no harm at all in saying as you would to a grown-up: "I'm sorry, I don't know." Children ask a lot of stumpers. Our youngsters were always asking me questions about clouds, and the sky, and the wind! A grown-up doesn't have to be a know-it-all. If the question really is important, you - or both of you - can look up an answer later.

I can't tell you when to talk. I can't tell you what to talk about. But I can tell you all the reasons why the "talking-time" habit is so very good and why it adds up to a truly great gift.

The most important reason: Young children treasure any time alone with you, no matter how brief it may be. To have a parent all to one's self is very comforting, very strengthening, a very great delight to a child.

Another reason why talking-listening times are important: As children talk, various feelings come out that have been troubling them. The little fears and jealousies and gripes and concerns that have been pecking away at them bubble to the surface. You may find some comforting words to say. Often, however, the fact that the child talks about the issue and brings it out in the open makes the feeling more manageable. Talking-listening times are very good for a child's peace of mind.

These times are also excellent for the growth of your child's mind. Your youngster is on the first step of a long career of going to school. For the next twelve years - maybe longer - success in this schooling business is going to depend on your child's ability to handle words and to handle ideas. The ability to listen, and to think, and to talk, are basic skills in school-learning. Talking- listening times give your boy or girl wonderful practice in them. You can do few better things to help your child in schoolwork then to listen and talk together.

I can add one other strong point in favor of talking-listening. Your child will treasure these times together. You will, too, I know. They can be among the most pleasing moments in a parent's life.

The Beginning Days of School

I hope that your youngster is having a super time in school, but if the first opening days and weeks do have some rough spots, don't be too surprised or too troubled. Some young children feel it more; some show it more; but going off to school is bound to be a time of some strain and tension for all youngsters.

Your child has a new "boss" now - Teacher. With standards and rules and a style that are different from yours. They take a little getting used to.

Every school is full of new places: the halls, the entranceways, the lockers for clothing, the out-of-doors. Maybe your child rides the bus to school - that's a major new experience. And there is the bathroom! A lot of children have real trouble using the bathroom at school, at first.

I could go on about how real the strain is for a child: getting the hang of what comes next... sorting out and figuring out who will be your friend... Even a tough, sturdy, confident child finds all this a little nerve-wracking.

The worry and the tenseness can show up in a thousand and one strange ways. The school-beginner may eat a lot more than usual or eat less. The child may have some nightmares or bad dreams, or may even wet the bed again when maybe that hasn't happened for ages.

One youngster may show the strain at the very start - crying, not wanting to stay at school. Another child may seem to glide along until... bingo! At a later time the flare-up comes and takes you completely by surprise. You thought he or she had made a perfect adjustment and then the announcement comes: "I'm not going to school any more."

School-beginners sometimes act a little sick: tired and droopy, or they have a stomachache. Some show their strain by being too noisy, too boisterous, high as a kite and too full of energy.

And a great many children are full of gripes: about the other youngsters, about the teacher, about almost anything under the sun.

There is only one way to sum up all the possibilities: You know that your child is not behaving in the usual, standard, normal way.

Of course, there may be other reasons why. But since your child is starting to school and since the "disease" - if I may call it that - is so common, there is a good likelihood that the trouble is "new-itis" or "strange-itis." Your child is reacting to the difficult job of getting feet down on the ground, of coming to feel comfortable and safe in a new setting, of becoming an "old-timer."

When this happens in your family, there are some ways you can help. The most important help is your understanding. Not anything you do or anything you say. It is how you feel. Children catch feelings. They know.

So if you feel deep inside that it is rough to take on something new - if you have ever gone through it yourself and been a greenhorn or a beginner - your sense of sympathy, your understanding, will get across to your child and be a great support.

Your sympathy and your confidence, too.

You have gone through it. We all have gone through it. It usually ends well. So while you feel sympathetic, you don't get all worried and tense. You don't get in a tizzy or in a stew. Along with your sympathy you have a very solid faith: It will work out. Your child will catch that feeling, too.

Then, of course, there are things you can do. If your child is feeling uptight, that is a good time for you to be a little easy-going and tolerant.

A youngster who is adjusting to school sometimes is a little fresh at home: talking back, for example, or acting like a "know-it-all," being boastful and loud and noisy. You have to keep in mind: This really isn't the child talking. This is "tenseness" talking. This is "worry" talking. "Being-a-little-scared" is talking.

You don't have to be alarmed about your child. As soon as the adjustment to school gets over, your youngster will be the same as ever. It helps, until then, if you can keep from making a federal case out of everything.

You may find this easier to do if you don't take your child's words too seriously. That may sound strange because I will always urge you: Take your child seriously - that is important. But not your child's words.

You have to translate "child talk." The words may come out sounding like: school is awful... my teacher is awful... the kids are awful... life is awful... If you take the words at face value, you can end up feeling that emergency measures are called for. Bring on the U.S. Marines! But if you translate, the words actually mean: "I'm a little unhappy. A little worried. I'm feeling my way."

Instead of any great excitement, a hug or a squeeze or a joke may be much more in order. Or some roughhouse or a cookie or anything that says. "Life is still warm and safe."

There is a general tip here: Any time school seems to be going badly for the moment, do whatever you can to make home life go well. Try to work in the nice things at home that all children like. Read stories at bedtime, at bathtime. Play games together. Take a walk together. Go for a ride. Take a little trip to see something special in the neighborhood. Let your child work with you on a project: whipping up a cake or a pudding or a stew. Or digging in the garden. Whatever makes for good company, in whatever time you have, will be all to the good. Real pleasures at home can balance out some troubles elsewhere. One can make the other easier to take.

One last point: Whenever you get signals that life at school is bumpy, by all means, talk with your youngster's teacher. Call up on the telephone. Send a note asking the teacher to call you. Or work out a time for a brief, private chat before school or after. One way or another, your child's teacher ought to know how your youngster is reacting at home.

A teacher may be able to fill you in on some school happenings which can be the explanation.

Or the teacher may be very surprised when you report that you are getting repercussions at home. From the school standpoint, everything may seem fine. It does work out that way at times. A child looks perky as can be in school. It isn't until the youngster gets home - the safe, friendly homegrounds - that there is a letdown. Then the Feelings of fear and worry show through. In school the child covers up, so a teacher is often glad to be tipped off.

Not that there always are things either you or the school can do. Basically, children must live their own lives and solve their own problems. You can't smooth everything out for a child, and you wouldn't want to if you could, because even the ragged times make a contribution to a youngster's strength and resiliency.

But home and school can talk together. And home and school can watch together. And home and school can think together. Boys and girls are very lucky who have such important people thinking about them.

The Signals Children Send Us

Here's a very short test - a quickie - on one aspect of being a good parent. If you are afraid of tests, don't worry. You are almost 100% certain to pass this one with flying colors. Question Number One: You are driving and see a policeman in the middle of the road with his hand upraised, his palm facing you. What is the policeman saying to you? Question Two: You see a man standing on the side of the road. As you approach in your car, he points down the road with his thumb. What is he asking? Three: What does thumbs down mean? Number Four and last: You ask a friend for an opinion on a recent movie. Your friend holds his nose. Good movie or bad?

You passed the test, didn't you? I knew you would, because most of us are very skilled at reading silent signals and getting their meaning without a single word being spoken.

But now, almost certainly, you have a question: What does all this have to do with children? And the answer: A great deal! Children send parents their most important messages through "no-words" communications, using the silent language of behavior.

Boys and girls use the language of behavior especially when they need extra helpings of emotional nourishment: to be loved a little more, to be noticed a little more, to be appreciated a little more. Situations can arise in all children's lives which cause them to be hit by these hungers. The arrival of a new baby in the family is one very common time, as an example. An older child, rightly or wrongly, feels left out in the cold. It doesn't matter that the parents think they have shown their love for the "big one" too. Somehow that child isn't sure of it.

Worried youngsters, feeling left out, never can ask in words: "Love me a little more." But their behavior does say exactly that. They cling more than they used to. They demand more attention. They whine a little more. Doing babyish things is their cry for help: "Love me..."

The birth of a new baby is, of course, only one example. Many events can trouble Threes, Fours, Fives. The tip-off that something is wrong is when children start acting more like babies, more like Twos, younger than they really are. And they act this way often and wherever they are. The behavior doesn't show only at some one part of the day or in some one particular place.

This is the time for using all our skills in reading silent signals. Fortunately, the messages in this persistent over-and-over behavior are usually crystal clear. It isn't hard to crack the code.

A Three-Four-Five child clings and clings ever so tightly, and all of the time. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Almost surely he or she is asking for comfort and to be reassured. The behavior is every bit as self-evident as the policeman's signs.

A Three-, Four-, or Five-year-old starts clowning continuously. The youngster begins always showing off and doing silly things. No one has to be hit over the head to get the message. The chances are overwhelming that the child is asking someone - or a lot of people - to look at him or her. The child wants some headlines, some notice, the spotlight... and couldn't ask for it any louder even with a megaphone.

The messages are so clear that responding to them ought to be a snap. It ought to be so easy for us to be kind and to do the giving things that would make a child feel better. Unfortunately (for children) there are hurdles that stand in the way for some of us.

One of the obstacles: The children's behavior usually invites parents to get angry with them. I'm sure you have heard mothers and fathers speak very sharply to a child: "Act your age. You're acting just like a little baby." And that, of course, is exactly what the child is doing but: not out of naughtiness. The child has a very good reason. The child hungers for a little more love, a little more handling, a little more pleasant fussing. The youngster is almost pleading for extra helpings, but adult anger can make us close our eyes and shut our ears and turn off the message.

Another obstacle: Some parents mix up their priorities. They forget to put first things first. A child acts badly, like a baby or like a Two. I'm sure you have heard parents say: "Once you start acting nice, then we'll be nice to you."

This has such a reasonable sound. It seems like a fair bargain, with each side giving a little. But it is a very mixed-up proposition. It ignores completely the fact that a child has to first feel well in order to act well. Worried feelings inside pull a child's behavior down. Once the child gets the extra helpings that are needed - this has to have priority - then the behavior can improve.

There is still another obstacle that blocks some mothers and fathers: the temptation to make light of the messages. Adults "hear" what the child is after - they don't have any trouble with that. But they can't bring themselves to take the message seriously.

They find it so easy to say: "Oh, he just wants some attention." They know exactly what the child is seeking but they minimize the whole idea: "He just wants..." "He only wants..." - making it sound as if attention was unimportant and didn't count for much.

They find it so easy to play down the message: "Oh, she just wants some one to notice her." She just wants..." as if a little fame and glory couldn't matter to a child.

Still one more roadblock can stand in the way: worries! Some mothers and fathers see the behavior... they "hear" the behavior... and they are afraid to give in. Suppose they do pay a little more attention. Won't the youngster love it and want a lot of attention forever? Suppose they do give comfort when a child wants to be treated like a baby. Won't the youngster stay babyish forever?

The fears are understandable but they don't jibe with the facts of child development. The studies show - and you know and I know - that children want to grow. Healthy emotionally-nourished children have to grow. Over-worried parents are afraid their children will get stuck somehow.

If you think about how your youngsters have grown, I'm sure you will come away with a very different impression. Children are not bound and determined to stay infants. That was a nice period in life, but children would much rather grow up. Emotionally-nourished children are constantly prodding, pecking, pushing at us to let them do more, help more.

If your children ever signal you through their behavior that they need extra helpings of good feelings, I hope you can avoid all these traps. I hope you will use all those good skills you have in reading behavior. If ever they show you, time and time again, that they have some emptiness inside - a need for more love, more attention, some notice, or whatever it may be - I hope you will find it easy to be generous. I certainly urge you: Don't get angry, and don't be afraid, and don't be stingy. Give! And go on giving until the hunger subsides. I think you will find that this often happens in a relatively short time, but you do have to be prepared. Occasionally you may have to pile on the extra helpings for quite a while. But a contented child, now free to grow, is worth the effort.

What Is Kindergarten All About?

There is a lot of misunderstanding today about kindergartens. I'd like to pass on a few ideas for you to mull over about what a kindergarten looks like, and why; and what it is supposed to do. I hope you find the ideas interesting and perhaps they may set to rest some questions you have.

One of the troubles in understanding kindergartens is that we all remember best what school was like in the years not too far behind us - our high school days, 5th and 6th grades: sitting, answering the teacher's questions, getting a grade, doing homework...

That is school - upper-grade school. But kindergarten isn't like that.

Kindergarten is a school for five-year-olds - that is the important point. And I don't need to tell you that your Five is very different from upper-grade youngsters. So:

Kindergarten looks different.

It sounds different.

Kindergarten has a whole different style. It is for Fives. It is geared to Fives. It is custom-made to fit children of this particular age.

The key question, then, is: What are Fives like? For one thing, although they talk big and brave, inside of themselves Fives are very soft. They are essentially shy. They put on a show of being big, but they know that the world is pretty overwhelming. They are timid, even the toughest of them.

A school for these children - a school for beginners - has to be a gentle school. It has to be a warm and friendly school. Kindergarten can't and must not be a place that overpowers youngsters and pushes them back.

This means that the size of a kindergarten is important. A kindergarten shouldn't have the feel of an auditorium or a stadium. It means that children should be able to spend a lot of their time in little groups - two or three children together, or even working alone - so they can be comfortable and at ease. And of course, the soft tone and good spirit of the teacher are exceedingly significant.

What else about Fives? A note that always strikes me is that they are doers. They are forever on the go. They are into everything. Their nature will change as they grow older, but right now, Fives are not good sitters; they are not youngsters who can keep quiet for very long; and they are not good listeners either. Instead, they have another quite-wonderful quality: They want to see and do for themselves.

What does this mean for a kindergarten? It means that the emphasis has to be on reality and on action: on animals, on jobs the children do, on activities they carry out, on trips they take, on workers of all kinds who come into the classroom. The emphasis has to be on chances for children to use their hands and to work with tools: magnets, magnifying glasses, saws, hammers... to work even with what look like playthings: clay, blocks, paint, puzzles, sand... Kindergarten is not a place for teaching children by talking at them, not a place for grownups' lectures. It is a place where active children are involved in the goings-on. Fives learn best that way.

Still another quality of Fives always tremendously impresses me: Their imagination, their creativity. I am sure you must be impressed too. They are geniuses at make-believe. This peak period of imagination doesn't last forever. In fact, it passes very quickly, so it is important for a kindergarten to make the most of it. That is the reason f6r the kindergarten's clay and paints and blocks and dolls and dress-up clothes. This kind of material strengthens imagination, a matter of first-rate significance now, one of lasting significance for a child's whole later life.

One last point, a basic one: Fives are very curious. Very eager to learn. Determined to know more and to build new skills. A good kindergarten has to be a learning place where children's minds are challenged and where youngsters feel they are growing.

Today a special problem comes in here. Whenever there is talk about "Fives learning," many people translate that to mean: "Learning to read" They tend to forget all other learnings. Reading, of course, is very important but we all have to remember: Only a few Fives are bursting to sink their teeth into reading. Many, many others - just as healthy, just as bright - have little interest now.

This variety in individuals means that a teacher has to be alert to each child's development, not pushing too hard on the many who are not yet excited about reading; yet there to help the few who want to get started, giving them all the help they need. Most important - and beyond reading - the teacher must make sure that all children learn countless facts and skills and ideas, whether they are early- or late-blooming readers.

How can you tell if a kindergarten is really geared for Fives? Your child's behavior is one excellent indicator.

I would call it a good kindergarten if my youngster had a positive feeling about school: liked to go, liked being independent.

I would call it a magnificent place if my child had a friendly feeling toward the kindergarten teacher and thought "teacher" was something special: a pe